103 Funniest Quotes About Money and Personal Finances

funny money quotes and famous saying about personal finances

Are you obsessed about personal finance, money matters, credit, debt, loans and all the rest?  I am.

But..  I firmly believe financial matters don’t always need to be discussed in a grim and joyless manner.  I’ve compiled for you here a list of some of the funniest, wisest and most prescient money quotes.

Here are some of my personal favorites, and if you aren’t able to crack a smile or giggle a bit–let’s face it, then your heart is made of stone!  So let’s lighten up and check out some of the most famous, and some lesser known quotations from our funniest quotes list.

the safest way to double your money, fold it Kim Hubbard

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

think nobody cares you are alive? Try missing some payments quote earl wilson

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

“I don’t mind that I’m fat. You still get the same money.” – Marlon Brando

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

IRS auditor reveals trick is not to think of it as your money

“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS Auditor

living so far beyond my income

“I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” –  EE Cummings

“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.”  –  Ron Kittle


“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” –  Jackie Mason

money is not the most important thing, love is but i love money quote

“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” –  Robert W. Sarnoff

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” –  Milton Berle

“If I got paid by the amount of stupid people I deal with at work instead of by the hour, I could retire by next week.” –  Unknown

“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” –  Satchel Paige

“You want 21 percent risk free? Pay off your credit cards.”  –  Andrew Tobias

“When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.”  –  Oscar Wilde

“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.” –  Jean-Paul Kauffmann

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” –  Billy Crystal

“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” –  Jack Yelton

bills travel through mail at double speed from checks

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.”  –  Steven Wright

“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” –  Carl Fox (Martin Sheen) in Wall Street

“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste.” –  M.W. Harrison

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”  –  Spike Milligan

“Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?”  –  Alan King

“To make a million, start with $900,000.”  –  Morton Shulman

“I pity that man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth shall starve in the process.”  –  Benjamin Harrison

“I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.”  –  George Best

– “When I had money everyone called me brother.”  –  Polish Proverb

“You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.”  –  Lee Trevino

someone stole my credit cards but spends less than my wife - henry youngman

“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”  –  Henry Youngman

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”  –  Jackie Mason

“If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.”  –  Benjamin Franklin

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.”  –  Max Amsterdam

“The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.”  –  Katharine Whitehorn

“The art is not in making money, but in keeping it.”  –  Proverb

“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.”  –  Bill Vaughn

later comes fast when you buy now via Milton Berle

“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!”  –  Milton Berle

“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.”  –  Errol Flynn

“Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.”  –  James Arthur Baldwin

“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”  –  Shaquille O’Neal

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet”  –  Robin Williams

“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.”  –  via Washington Post word contest

“I’m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?”  –  Lou Whitaker

“I don’t want to be a superstar. I just want to make superstar money.”  –  James Wattana

“If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.”  –  Katherine Hepburn

“There’s just one thing I can’t figure out. My income tax!”  –  Nat King Cole

“Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.”  –  William Somerset Maugham

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”  –  Robert Orben

“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.”  –  J. Paul Getty

“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.”  –  Doug Larson

“Money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.”  –  Gertrude Stein

i want to live like a poor man with lots of money - pablo picasso

“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.”  –  Pablo Picasso

“The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.”  –  Mad Magazine

“Money often costs too much.”  –  Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”  –  Oscar Wilde

“I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. ”  –  Joe Louis

“Rule No. 1: Never lose money. Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.”  –  Warren Buffett

“I like my money right where I can see it… hanging in my closet.”  –  Carrie Bradshaw

“I pity that man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth shall starve in the process.”  –  Benjamin Harrison

“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”  –  Will Rogers

“Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money?..  No Pockets.”  –  Jerry Seinfeld

“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.”  –  Robert Frost

Find out if that’s my perspective when I recently reviewed the personal loan services of LendingClub from a borrowers perspective.

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”  –  Douglas Adams

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.”  –  Unknown

money is a horrid thing to follow but charming to meet - henry james

“Money’s a horrid thing to follow, but a charming thing to meet.”  –  Henry James

“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.”  –  Peter Ustinov

“You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.”  –  John Barrymore

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”  –  George Carlin

“A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money.”  –  Gordon Liddy

“Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.”  –  Helen Gurley Brown

“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.”  –  Robin Williams

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.”  –  Aristotle Onassis

faster way to transfer funds than electronic banking called marriage

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage”  –  James Holt McGavran

“If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.”  –  Lane Kirkland

“Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.”  –  Unknown

“No man’s credit is as good as his money.”  –  Marya Mannes

If you are more interested in how to save more money, be sure to check out the ultimate money savings idea list here I wrote earlier which can save you a ton of cash annually!

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.”  –  Unknown

“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.”H. Jackson Brown Jr. via P.S. I Love You

“That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: It said, ‘Goodbye’.”  –  Richard Armour

“By the time I have money to burn; my fire will have burnt out.”  –  Unknown

“It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”  –  Groucho Marx

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed”  –  George Carlin

“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.”  –  Family Guy

“Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.”  –  Christopher Marlowe

“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.”  –  Rebecca Johnson

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.”  –  Will Smith

“They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?”  –  Unknown

“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples’ money.”  –  Margaret Thatcher

“If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.”  –  Proverb

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”   –  Bob Hope

We are known for alternative lending options, visit here to see the personal lending programs we like best.

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.”  –  Buzzie Bavasi

“Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.”  –  Unknown

“I’m as poor as a church mouse, that’s just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.”  –  Rowan Atkinson

“The only man who sticks closer to you in adversity than a friend is a creditor.”  –  Unknown

“In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it’s more important how much you can save when you buy it.”  –  Unknown

“Money is the best deodorant.”  –  Elizabeth Taylor

“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.”  –  James Goldsmith

(I need to remember that one more in my business life!  Sage advice for certain for anyone working with people!)

“It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.”  –  Unknown

“I am having an out of money experience.”  –  Unknown

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”  –  Nick Arnette

“Anyone who tells you money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.”  –  Unknown

money doesn't make you happy by arnold schwarzenegger

“Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.”  –  Arnold Schwarzenegger

Conclusion:  There certainly are a lot of perspectives about having money and not having it.   Did we miss any of your favorite quotes about money matters?  If so, be sure to let us know, and we’ll add it in to the list.